Deceit

Where do I start? It’s over and I’m hurting someone. I know I am but I can’t help it. If I don’t (didn’t) move away, I would be sinking into a sea of false lies and deceit (on my part, seeing that I would be going along with something that I knew would fall apart). We had fun together. I started loving him because we clicked in so many ways…because he always got mad if he thought I didn’t call him as much as he did…because he was good to me…because he cared about me. I had to let him go because this relationship was pulling me down spiritually. He would have slept with me if I let him and had no qualms about it. There were things that biblically and I thought so too are morally wrong that he didn’t have a problem with. Probably because he just KNEW I would be his wife. He didn’t respect my faith. He tolerated it. I didn’t believe in his own faith. It didn’t bother him. It bothered me. It bothered me that this dude that was all right was all wrong because the foundation for any long-lasting relationship(in my opinion) was not there.

I tried to communicate why this just had to be a friendship but every time we met, spent time together, I forgot all about my First Love. I didn’t do my daily devotions, I didn’t pray, I pushed the limits when it came to what was acceptable and what was not.

I wouldn’t lie; I am weak in the flesh. It is only by the sheer will of God and my commitment to living this Christian life God’s way(not mine or yours) that has made me hold on to my promise to abstain from sex.

I went back to what I knew was always true. I searched God’s word and it hadn’t changed! It hadn’t changed! I was deceiving myself. Now, I remember all those times that Popsie would catch us ‘doing homework’ in front of the TV and then say “you think you are accomplishing something? Stop deceiving yourself!”

So prior to my growing some back bone to end this ‘thing,’ we had made plans to go on vacation together. I didn’t want to scrap the plans. That and I had already bought my ticket. I’m cheap, what can I say? So I envisioned this vacation as an end to something…nice. I figured we would talk and voice our thoughts and fears and make a decision to go our separate ways. Me hoping he would make that decision so I wouldn’t bear the guilt of the one who walked away. Seeing as I would be okay with him breaking up with me. This is even though we are not and were not technically in a relationship.

So anyways, I flew down south and as usual when I’m with him, I just go with just being with him. He looked good and I was recovering from the flu. H bought me lunch and took me to his house. I was hoping he had something planned for us to do but it just seemed as if we would get up with whatever was happening that night. I figured it wouldn’t hurt to just take a nap. Turned into a long nap.

The next morning we drove down to Florida. Florida was great. The memories…! We went walking, cruising, parasailing, boat ride and just enjoying each others company. We ate jamiacan food, strolled on the beach, feed each other and acted like we had being together for years. We kept everything out. Plus God. Plus Jesus. And my guilt piled on.

It was as if I was trading these fleeting pleasures for something that has always been constant in my life. Every time I let myself open to him, I closed a part of me to God’s will because I knew this was not His best for me. I was sinning pure and simple. I was straying little by little. I was leading him on with my actions even though I repeatedly told him I couldn’t give him what he wanted or would ever go through with marrying him. My actions were deceit.

At the end of the weekend, well, lets just say, we finally talked…or I talked and decided right there and then that this would end….
To be continued